Many people come to me wanting to lose weight. But when it comes to the action part, they don’t follow through. Why do we want something supposedly a lot, yet keep giving up and detouring off track at the slightest hurdle? It comes down to the idea that the pain of change is greater than the pain of not changing, i.e, it is easier to stay the same.
This is where instant gratification comes to mind. The chocolate bar is offered to us, the pleasure of those few moments of eating the bar drives us to eat it. But if we say no, delay gratification, endure a little pain now, we will get greater gratification later perhaps with weight loss. I’m not just talking chocolate here, this can be applied with many areas in life. Maybe with study, you don’t want to miss one night of your favourite tv show for study, and longer term, the payoff of getting into the books outweighs the tv show doesn’t it?
We do want to move from pain towards pleasure. But when in the short time we may have to sacrifice something, we then become stuck in the instant, the instant gratification.
Imagine how great you could be if you could see past the short term pleasure and focused on the longer term goal.
The pain of discipline outweighs the pain of regret.
Discipline, the ability to put in the hard work after the motivation has passed. The more and more you do what you don’t want to, suffer that short term pain, the easier it will become. It does become a habit; you do strengthen your neurological pathways the more you do something. This applies to both good and bad habits. Repeat something enough and the pathway becomes so strong almost an addiction for some, but the good news is that you can change these pathways. How bad do you want to? Are you willing to endure this pain now for greater pleasure?
We all have secondary gains for doing the things we do and often it is on a subconscious level.
For example: The person who has everything wrong with them and has to see specialist after specialist is possibly lonely and on a subconscious level enjoys the contact of other people. The smoker smokes because they are bored deep down, it may also calm and relax them. Or maybe the smoking represents a fun time in their life, and on a cellular level it is locked in causing a strong association subconsciously with each cigarette taking them back to that happy place. The wife with the bad knees may not be able to do much lifting and house work and depends on her husband to do things for her. Deep down the problem represents her insecurity and need for someone to take care of her.
These secondary gains are an avoidance mechanism for a deeper pain. If you can recognise your secondary gain, you can then find ways to introduce new elements in your life that will give you the feeling that you are actually wanting and on a healthier level. But before you cover it up with a new habit, reflect on what is happening so that you can really release your old emotions. Until you feel them, they will continue to leak out in destructive ways.
So how long does it take to break a habit? Three weeks is what is commonly said. I have no idea where that theory came from. I loved this story someone told said about habits when asked how long it takes to break a habit. It goes something like this… ‘Say you drive to work each day, the same way for the past ten years and it takes you 45 minutes. Then one day you start your journey to work and there is a detour sign. You follow the signs and find yourself at work in 20 minutes. The next time you go to work, which way do you go? Your old way, the way that you have gone for ten years? Or do you break your habit instantly and go the new 20 minute route?’ Interesting isn’t it.
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